Holiday Light Showdown: Supreme Court Awards Joint Custody to Painters and Landscapers

Wash­ing­ton, D.C. - The nation’s high­est court has final­ly hand­ed down a ver­dict in the spec­tac­u­lar Deere v. Moore case. The dis­pute cen­ters around which type of con­trac­tor — land­scap­ers or painters — has the right to install Christ­mas lights on the nation’s homes. This high-volt­age law­suit began 5 years ago in sub­ur­ban Vir­ginia when Fine-N-Dandy Land­scap­ing employ­ees were installing ici­cle-lights on a two-sto­ry colo­nial brick home out­side Alexan­dria. Halfway through the project, they saw esti­ma­tors from Fine Coats Paint­ing talk­ing with the neigh­bors, ges­tur­ing towards the roofline.  In the legal bat­tle that ensued, it was the land­scap­ers that fired the first shot by suing. Soon, the Deere v. Moore case lit up the nation, each side vying for the right to prof­it from the beau­ty and har­mo­ny of Christ­mas. A series of chal­lenges and appeals strung out the case until it end­ed up before the Supreme Court. The case came down to the wire: oral argu­ments quick­ly became emo­tion­al, and impas­sioned pleas often left lis­ten­ers watery-eyed. Court tran­scripts read as fol­lows: Jack Deere: Look, we basi­cal­ly invent­ed this way to make an off-sea­son liv­ing. We were doing it first! You guys still have inte­ri­or paint­ing in the win­ter. What do you want us to do; mow car­pets? Trim fur­ni­ture?! Ben­ny Moore: We can do a way bet­ter job. We’ve got all the lad­ders, the safe­ty pro­grams. How do you even reach the eaves; hold up the lights on the end of a rake?! Deere: You guys don’t know any­thing about pro­tect­ing the land­scape. You can’t even step on a prop­er­ty with­out destroy­ing shrubs or leav­ing paint drips on green­ery. At this point the court demand­ed a recess, as two Jus­tices appeared to be on the brink of a fist­fight. After lengthy delib­er­a­tions, the Supreme Court gave its ver­dict to a packed and breath­less court­room: joint cus­tody. Land­scap­ers get all light­ed tree and shrub­bery con­tracts, as well as first-sto­ry win­dows and wreaths. Paint­ing con­trac­tors get all house lights hang­ing from a height of greater than 8 feet. At a post-ver­dict press con­fer­ence, tear­ful rep­re­sen­ta­tives of both par­ties urged their sup­port­ers across the nation to seek reconciliation.